SEASON 2
The Screwfly Solution
A deadly plague is sweeping across America, turning even the most ordinary of men into dangerous, misogynistic predators towards their wives, lovers, daughters, and, well…anyone of the female persuasion. Our only saviours are Jason Priestley, Kerry Norton, and Elliott Gould (Gould and Priestley as scientists, Norton as Priestley’s wife). God help us all!
Director Joe Dante was in my view responsible for last season’s best entry, the deliberately ham-fisted political zombie satire ‘Homecoming’ (a love it or hate it episode), so obviously I had high expectations for this, the episode that in Australia opened the second series. For a while, I was pleasantly surprised at how brutally violent this episode was, leading me to suspect that the usually genial, harmless (but darkly comedic) Dante’s name on the credits was a mistake. I mean, a virus that causes men to beat the hell out of women, is a pretty brutal (and ingenious) idea for a horror/sci-fi story. Whilst Dante admirably curbs his tendency towards in-jokes and fan boy reverence, this episode never quite comes off. It’s a great idea, but one that really needed to be stretched to feature length, which was a problem with the first season.
Rating: out of 5
Family
John Landis’ entry from the previous season (‘Deer Woman’) was a wonderfully schlocky, old-school B-movie idea, but for season 2, he goes into black-comedy/horror territory. This, with a little help from writer Brett Hanley (who wrote the sorely underrated Bill Paxton directorial debut ‘Frailty’), and a helluva performance from George Wendt. It concerns a young couple (Matt Keeslar and Meredith Monroe) who move in next door Wendt, a seemingly nice but solitary man who harbours a dark secret- he’s a serial killer who…well, just wait till you see what he does with the bodies.
I was never a fan of Landis’ ‘American Werewolf in London’, but do love his purely comedic work and like I said, ‘Deer Woman’ was some kind of dopey fun. Landis bests himself here with what I consider the best effort of the season, a wonderfully icky (the opening sequence involving a corpse, a bathtub and some acid, is spectacularly gross, the FX are surprisingly good), morbidly funny and just plain sick at times. Wendt’s (Hi, Norm!…Hey, what’re you doing with that shovel?…) excellent performance sells the film, but this is also Landis’ best work in at least a decade, even the 11th hour twist is interesting and nasty.
Rating: out of 5
The Damned Thing
Sean Patrick Flanery plays a man who as a child saw his father kill his mother and then have his father literally ripped apart by an unseen force. Now, years later, he’s the local sheriff in a small town that is about to experience the same thing, but on a grander scale.
Tobe Hooper, whom I think we can now safely call a hack who got lucky once back in the 70s, was responsible for one of last season’s stinkers, the epileptically-filmed ‘Dance of the Dead’, so I approached this episode with much caution. Fear not, because this episode, despite a few flaws (including similarities to ‘The Screwfly Solution’), is pretty darn good. The epileptic camera tricks nearly ruin what is surely the greatest, and sickest opening scene in the entire series. And the violence doesn’t stop there, this is pretty strong stuff. The characters are dull and the ending a little derivative of ‘The Shining’ (and Flanery ain’t no Nicholson!), but it’s still the best thing Tobe Hooper has done in decades, and a must for gore-hounds.
Rating: out of 5
Pelts
Sleazy fur trader Meat Loaf will do anything to earn the love and respect of the woman of his dreams, a local stripper he’s obsessed with. He steals supposedly ‘special’ raccoon pelts from John Saxon (in a fine, small turn) and sets about creating the finest fur coat ever made. Never mind the fact that when stealing the pelts, he comes across a couple of hideously mutilated bodies. The pelts are cursed, you see, against all those who covet them.
Dario Argento is no doubt a fine filmmaker, but like Hooper, his entry in this series last season was awful- in fact, ‘Jenifer’ was the worst of the season. But also like Hooper, Argento has brought his A-game with him this time, creating one of the most disturbing and more memorable episodes of the season, even if it doesn’t immediately evoke Argento’s more famous giallo films. It’s certainly wonderfully foggy and atmospheric.
Meat Loaf is appropriately loser-ish yet physically intimidating in the lead role, and he carries the film pretty darn well for someone who is a musician first, albeit a wildly theatrical one (though it must be said that Dennis Hopper could’ve easily played the part, too). But what you will remember with this episode is the gore. Two scenes in particular I shall never forget; an animal trap ‘suicide’, and a climactic, literal shedding of skin by our leading man are among the sickest (but in a good way…well, you know what I mean, and if you don’t you probably aren’t still reading this) things I’ve seen since ‘The Story of Ricky’. If you thought Miike’s infamous season 1 entry ‘Imprint’ was disturbing, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Argento’s back, even if he’s not doing the giallo work we all love him for (It’s a little Clive Barker, actually). This will do for now.
Rating: out of 5
The V Word
From director Ernest Dickerson and writer Mick Garris (creator of the series itself) comes a tale of two idiot teens who have a close encounter with a vampire (Michael Ironside, perfectly cast) when visiting a mortuary.
Well, the wheels had to fall off at some point. Dickerson, who by the way is most certainly not a Master of Horror, seems to have tried for a combination of George Romero’s ‘Martin’ and those ‘Goosebumps’ books. Who thought the old ‘Let’s break into a mortuary and see a dead body!’ story was worth repeating? Oh right, Mick Garris did. Needless to say, this is as fangless a vampire tale as you’ll ever find.
Our lead characters make vanilla seem colourful, Ironside is brilliant (his vampire is brutal and animalistic) but wasted in a mere cameo, and the film takes forever to get going. This is tepid, tepid stuff, that might have been aiming for a ‘Tales From the Crypt’ thing, but misses the mark for the most part.
Rating: out of 5
Pro-Life
John Carpenter takes a leaf out of Joe Dante’s book (well, last season anyway) by going a little political in this abortion tale that is a bit reminiscent of Larry Cohen’s ‘It’s Alive’. A young woman (Caitlin Wachs) in distress comes across a young couple who agree to take her to their clinic. They’re abortionists, and she’s pregnant. And unhappy about it. In fact, she tells them ‘God wants you to kill my baby’. Things become even more complicated when the abortionists find out that Wachs is the daughter of their rival, militant anti-abortionist Ron Perlman who is approaching the clinic’s gates despite being previously warned to stay away via a court mandate. But, despite all evidence to the contrary, Carpenter isn’t exactly taking sides here. How’s that, you say? Well, Wachs wasn’t kidding when she said that God wants her baby dead. You see, this baby’s a demon!
Carpenter, whose entry last season, like those of the other ‘big names’ (Argento, Hooper, Stuart Gordon) was a disappointment in my view (others loved it), redeems himself here with what amounts to, at the end of the day, a good little monster movie. Oh, sure, there’s an important issue at the centre of it, but Carpenter isn’t interested in standing on the soapbox (except to say that both sides contain a fair share of idiots) at the expense of good old-fashioned monster movie fun. And the last half of this episode is some of the goriest and most enjoyable stuff he’s ever done. The imposing Perlman is at the top of his game…and just wait until you see the baby!
Rating: out of 5
Valerie on the Stairs
Series creator Mick Garris is at the helm of this entry, based on a short story by Clive Barker. It concerns a novelist who moves into a haven for unpublished (read: failed) writers. Things start going batty- loud noises in the walls, the sound of a girl crying etc., and the title character, seemingly the slave of a beast called Othakai (a heavily made-up Tony ‘Candyman’ Todd), or is something else going on? One of the tenants/writers is played by an appropriately burned-out looking Christopher Lloyd.
Garris’ previous entry, ‘Chocolate’ wasn’t well-liked but I thought it was OK. His entry this season is quite a bit better, and the idea of an apartment building full of unpublished writers is a really fascinating one (Did I mention one of the writers is a lesbian? Woo-hoo!). Garris, to his credit is one of the few this season who seem to have understood the one-hour format, and his entry is benefited for that understanding, this isn’t just a full-length movie cut down to an hour. Anyway, the ideas are what make this entry worthwhile.
Rating: out of 5
Sounds Like
Simple story of a somewhat unsettling man (Chris Bauer) grieving over his son’s death, who is ultimately driven to madness when he discovers he has unusually acute hearing and that it is more curse than blessing. Did I mention that his day job involves monitoring tech support calls? Oh, the irony! ZZZzzzz.
Who in the hell regards Brad Anderson (I had to look his name up to discover he directed ‘The Machinist’, hardly a horror film and ‘Session 9’ which I know very little about) as a Master of Horror? Well I don’t, and especially after witnessing this one-note, one-trick pony. It’s not scary, it’s not atmospheric, the performances are dull, the characters uninteresting (Bauer’s character is particularly creepy, and that’s not a good thing for a guy we’re meant to sympathise with!), and once the promising initial idea is on the table, it never goes anywhere unexpected. It also takes seemingly an eternity to get there, too. Still, the use of sound is pretty impressive, as one would expect, and many people are going to like this unusual, offbeat entry into the series. I didn’t, and found it to be a combination of ‘The Conversation’ and ‘Taxi Driver’. That’s not horror to me, and Mr. Anderson, sir, you are no Master.
Rating: out of 5
We All Scream for Ice Cream
Kids who terrorised and accidentally caused the death (via a botched prank) of a local slow-witted Ice Cream man/clown are haunted by his spectre many years later, as one by one they appear to be targeted for revenge.
Holland (whose ‘Child’s Play’ is one of my three favourite horror films, so I was excited about this episode) clearly knows how to shoot a horror film, and this entry is full of foggy atmosphere and interesting lighting that I love. Best of all, the film contains some of the ickiest, most wonderfully gooey special FX in the series, especially at the finale, which is quite good fun. The formulaic story (‘Friday the 13th’ meets ‘IT’) actually it reminded me of Larry Cohen territory rather than Holland. On paper it’s certainly one of the best-suited to the hour format this season, but if you’re looking for originality, you won’t find it here.
William Forsythe is usually excellent as a figure of menace, but he’s far too hammy in most of those scenes, and when he’s supposed to be sympathetic, well, Forsythe just don’t do sympathetic. He’s annoying and mannered, and you’ll wish you were the one to kill him. It’s definitely not the weakest this season, and is really quite watchable, but not as good as I was hoping for.
Rating: out of 5
The Washingtonians
A man (Jonathan Schaech, who co-wrote the script) has inherited a late relative’s estate. His oh-so cute daughter stumbles upon a hidden document that reveals something shocking about America’s forefathers- George Washington was a cannibal! Schaech finds himself and his family besieged by blood-thirsty locals hell-bent on keeping Washington’s true nature a secret. Saul Rubinek plays an historian who aids the family.
I have to say that this for me was the biggest, most pleasant surprise of the season. Peter Medak’s dubious standing as a Master of Horror aside (he made ‘The Changeling’ many years back and….not much else), this was one of the most fiendishly, grotesquely amusing entries of any of the two seasons. It may be a one-joke idea, but it’s a helluva joke, and suits the one hour format. I loved it (a decapitation before the opening credits especially warmed my sicko heart), even if I wanted to strangle that timid little girl. The finale is truly disgusting and wonderfully so.
Rating: out of 5
The Black Cat
Suffering from writer’s block and tormented by his beloved wife’s illness, Edgar Allen Poe descends into madness, with the help of a black cat, that should he live through all of this, might just inspire one of his finest works.
Like many of the better-known directors in this series, I was very disappointed with Stuart Gordon’s previous entry, ‘Dreams in the Witch-House’ (which was entirely deprived of style or entertainment), so although I have enjoyed some of his films (especially the underrated ‘Fortress’) and always enjoy actor Jeffrey Combs (who portrays Poe), I was still a little wary of approaching this one.
I need not have worried, for this is not only one of the better entries this season but easily Gordon’s best work since ‘Fortress’. Although a tad overwrought at times, the always intense Combs is perfectly cast as Poe, with a fine make-up job on him too. The inclusion of Poe into one of his own tales (with a little ‘Cask of Amontillado’ thrown in at the end if I’m not mistaken), makes for a different and fascinating take on the tale. In fact, if this were done at feature length, it might just have turned out to be Gordon’s finest film (and it may have given Combs a little more room to move).
Gore fans will especially appreciate the scene where Poe cuts the cat’s eye out, though animal lovers might take issue with it. I love cats and even I found it hilariously sick. Even more impressive from an FX standpoint is a choice axe to the head. The FX have been really good this season. It’s worth it just for the gut-bustingly funny stalking sequence where the black cat casts a giant shadow on the wall. Funny stuff, and really, really mean-spirited too.
Rating: out of 5
Right to Die
After a car accident leaves his stunningly beautiful wife in a coma and on life support, a man (Martin Donovan) is given the unenviable task of choosing to either ending his wife’s life or keeping her alive with little chance of improvement of her unfortunate condition. He is also plagued by some dark skeletons in his closet. Corbin Bernsen turns up as Donovan’s slimy lawyer friend.
I can’t say I’ve ever been a Martin Donovan fan, but with Rob Schmidt (who isn’t a ‘master’ of horror, but his ‘Wrong Turn’ was fun) and a tale ripped from the headlines (clearly this is inspired by the Terry Schiavo case in the US), I was hoping for a jolly good yarn with an important message, not unlike ‘Pro-Life’ or last season’s ‘Homecoming’.
What Schmidt does, and it is interesting, is put a vengeful ghost spin on the euthanasia debate (but like ‘Pro-Life’ it shows negativity on both sides), and it works quite well. The fact that Donovan’s wife had some lovely large breasts admittedly helped. The story doesn’t allow for any great cinematic possibilities but the FX are excellent and Schmidt throws in lots of strange angles and pretty shots. Hell, even Donovan’s not too bad here. A solid entry, but the ending, which made no sense to me at all, is awful.
Rating: out of 5
Dream Cruise
An American lawyer in Japan agrees to go on a boat trip with a wealthy client whose wife he is romantically involved with. Not only is there a jealous husband to contend with, but there appears to be something sinister and ghostly in the waters.
The final episode of the second season and yet again we close with a Japanese horror film. Unfortunately, this isn’t ‘Imprint’ and Norio Tsuruta isn’t Takashi Miike. I mean, this is the guy who directed not ‘Ringu’ but one of its many sequels, and he’s called a ‘Master’ of horror? I didn’t even like the first ‘Ringu’ let alone the sequels nor the American remakes. In fact, with the exception of both versions of ‘Dark Water’, I don’t like J-horror at all. It’s tedious, ugly-looking and a one-trick pony. Needless to say, for me, this was the boat ride from hell.
Like most J-horror films, nothing happens for what seems an eternity, but actually, there is very little about this tale that fits in with the J-horror subgenre. This is mostly just your standard ‘Dead Calm’ thriller mixed with a little ‘Body Snatchers’ and ‘Ghost Ship’. This is clearly the work of a hack, with a script for which the term ‘serviceable’ would be euphemistic. So even J-horror fans aren’t going to be terribly interested in this. The actors are all dull, the characters are neither likeable nor interesting, and this is easily the weakest entry in this season. Completely tedious and lazy storytelling to boot.
Rating: out of 5
OVERALL SUMMARY
Ever-so slightly superior to last season, this one suffers from a poor choice in directors and an inability to handle the one-hour format. There are worthwhile moments here and a return to form from some heavyweight genre icons.