BOLL PUSHES FAN OVER LIMIT
As we all know there was a recent test screening of Uwe Boll's second movie Alone in the Dark, which Lions Gate will be releasing on January 28th. Word on the web was that it was awful. I haven't seen it yet and can't wait to do so, I'm really going to feel bad if it's a good movie - but something tells me we're not going to be surprised at all. It just so happens that one of our new reporters 'Oversights' was the fan who wrote AICN in with a review of the film- yes the one that Uwe Boll responded directly to. He was fuming by Uwe's response to his review and asked that I post his rebuttal. Below you can find a response to a response to a response - will it ever end?
Brain (Oversights) review on AICN: click here.
Uwe Boll's response on AICN: click here.
...and now Brians response back. I can't wait to see Uwe Bolls response, it should be something like this, 'It's a good movie, you're stupid, you fans know nothing, you're idiots- it's good because it's good and I spend millions so it is good. It is better than Underworld - you idiots.' Cheers!
Well, I knew it was coming going off of his previous attitudes towards negative reviews, I knew it, but didn't know when. After reading Quint on AICN's review of Alone in the Dark it was revealed, I have been dissed by Uwe Boll. Now to accurately respond to Mr. Boll is going to take some time and I hope to at least make it entertaining- I'll also try and refrain from using big words so Mr. Boll, if he were reading this, would understand. I will preface this by saying my review, while negative, was kind to the extent that I could have been much more brutal. Well kids, here is what I think of the film bile and unfiltered.
This movie A. Sucked, B. Has very little to do with the actual plot of the game it is based on. Oh he read the back of the box all right, but did he play the game? Nope. The movie follows Edward Carnby and his girlfriend on an adventure more akin to the X-Files than anything in the Alone in the Dark series of games. Now I understand that this film is based on the fourth game in the series, problem is, he still missed the point by a long shot. First off, our two protagonists are not a couple; they meet for the first time on an airplane bound for Shadow Island. Problem number two; the movie isn't set on Shadow Island, in fact I don't recall it even appearing in the film as a background reference. A large bulk of the game takes place in the mansion of the Morton family, funny, no Morton family in the film; instead we are treated to orphans who got a nasty alien implant tongue kiss. The film proper starts with a kung fu fight after Carnby leaves the airport and is in a car chase, and then it goes into a half hour of blatant plagiarism of the film Relic. The game, however, begins after the two protagonists parachute out of their plane when it is attacked over Shadow Island. Why I think I'm seeing a pattern here that equals this movie doesn't really resemble the game in any way shape or form outside of what the synopsis is on the back of the box? In the game the two main characters are separated and communicate via two way radio, in the movie they are attached at the groin, OK that was just one out of place love scene, but they stay together throughout the majority of the movie, a movie entitled 'ALONE' in the Dark. That's the whole point of this series of games, you go through a lot of spooky place ALONE, no ex partner, no girlfriend, ALONE! In the game, after the mansion there's some underground tunnels and a sewer that lead into a planetarium for a brief stint, and eventually into the Shadow World, where another large portion of the game ensues. In the film we see only a brief glimpse of this shadow world, not even really enough of it to make any significant impact, I think there were some stalagmite. The ending of the game takes place in an Abkani Temple in the Shadow World, not in a secret underground government lab that just happens to have the entrance to the Shadow World. Another big problem, with taking out the Morton family, he took out some of the more interesting mutant creatures in the game, for what, quasi-ZOMBIES!!! They aren't real zombies they're just Carnby's old bunkmates from the orphanage who suffered from prolonged alien love.
Which brings me to a bigger question, why take out the main antagonists in the game? The antagonists in the game are the Morton family, not some crazy Museum curator, but you chose to change that. Why Mr. Boll, if this game was so great and wonderful, so inspiring you had to make it a movie, why did you cut everything out for **** that you pulled entirely out of your ass or ripped off from better movies? Is it too much to ask that you at least keep the main bad-guys the same? Unless, wait, I think I finally solved the mystery, your early films sucked and no one would fund your new ones! You wanted to be Mr. Hollywood, make movies and have big names with wide releases, but no one wanted to do that with the movies you were making. So now you just take the idea you were pretending to go with and adapt it- and I use that loosely- into a video game movie so you can get that big theatrical release. You have a back catalogue that mainly consists of non-video game movies that the bulk of the populous has never heard of, so what better way to get attention than to buy up the rights to any video game you can get your greasy hands on and crap all over it with your lack of creative vision. You're the worst kind of plagiarist; you buy rights to someone else's property and throw away all the work those artists put into it so you can make the movie you would've made in the first place. Oh that's right, no one would fund your **** fests like 'German Fried Movie,' and for that one alone you deserve a kick in the balls for being an outright plagiarist. You just decide that since you threw some money at a corporation, that happens to own the rights, it makes it OK for you to wipe your ass with the creative work that went into it. You couldn't be more wrong Mr. Boll.
Your comment that I'm some kind of 'idiot' who didn't understand the film because it was too complex, well, I'm sorry, but there is only one director who can get away with that argument, his name is Stanley Kubrik and he's dead. Oh I got the movie, I just didn't like it, period, it sucked, it wasn't like the game and even if it were based on the game it still would have sucked. You claim that everyone at the test screening loved the movie, I was there when the screeners were franticly running around trying to find anybody who liked it, to the point that they were dragging people in from the lobby who had already left. They had to settle for those who thought the movie was 'Fair.' I'm sorry Mr. Boll but they dealt you cards from a stacked deck, after trying to find people for the focus group who liked the movie, they separated all the negative comments out.
The big thing is that you said you were making a movie out of a specific game, this movie did not tell that story. Even as a story by itself it wasn't the most intriguing in the series. You chose an entry that you hoped no one would remember, so you could change it however you wanted, once again you were wrong. You talk about why we aren't getting video game movies, the reason that we aren?t getting big budget video game movies is cause they usually suck and don't make their money back. You're previous film didn't make it's money back, other films in the genre were also bombs, Super Mario Brothers BOMB, Street Fighter, BOMB, Mortal Kombat 1 and 2, BOMB, Tomb Raider 1 and 2 BOMB. The reason they bomb is that the ones who will make those movies great, the ones who grew up on it, aren't making movies yet, they will be soon and then we will get good video game movies. Hell it took this long to get good comic book movies, and it's not cause the studios didn't 'get it' the movies were not good. Oh sure there was Tim Burton's Batman or the first two Superman movies, but when it's followed up with bomb after bomb, they stop making them. But now the people behind these films take the source material seriously, and those films are huge blockbusters. All one needs to do is look at a film like Spiderman 2 and compare it to Catwoman. Sam Raimi LOVES Spiderman comics, and it shows, the movies have been very close to the comics and great care goes into them, Catwoman was obviously written by someone who was just trying to cash in, guess which one bombed, even with Halle Berry's ass cheeks. When people start making video game based films that take to heart that people love these stories the way they are, much like comic books, they will be hits. But with people like you doing it as some sort of dodge, some way to make a quick buck, they will never take off because most gamers already revile them. Remember Mr. Boll that they are the audience when talking video game movie, the gamer, the 'internet freak' they are the ones who get excited about video game movies and eventually are the ones tearing you a new one because they know you don't give a **** about these games. You say that we as geeks should be kneeling at the alter of Boll; your arrogance is only outshined by your lack of creativity, skill, and just outright mediocrity as an artist. To believe that we should 'thank you' for crapping up potentially good titles simply because 'No one else is making it' is simply beyond the pale and shows what kind of arrogant **** stick you are. You are taking other people creative works and ruining them. You should not be a filmmaker period, you aren't good at it and you refuse to take any criticism that would better you as one.
I end this with a piece of advice Mr. Boll, just stop. Right now you are trying to obtain the film rights to Hitman. If you don't like the backlash you are getting now, it will be ten fold with a title that is currently popular. Go back to making your OWN films, based on your OWN ideas, not other peoples ideas, or at least until you are willing to take the games and their audience seriously. Until then you will be in for more of the same.
Courtesy of Bloody Disgusting