No big named stars, a miniscule budget, a tub of homemade blood and one shoddy camera between you and your ragamuffin crew for your latest horror venture? Well if you haven’t got much to work with then a sexually teasing one-sheet, quad or DVD artwork can more than improve its chances of getting seen. Yes it’ll most likely be noticed more by sad surfing losers who get easily stimulated by the very sight of a bit of skin (myself included!) but at least it has an audience. But it isn’t simply the smaller productions that utilise this technique to gain interest, the big boys also promote their best assets with T&A-based marketing materials. Today we take a look at just a snippet of particular titles that arouse an audience to its very boiling point then pisses on the whole shebang by in return offering a terribly disappointing experience!
Odette Yustman’s Underwear Helps Deliver ‘The Unborn’ (2009)
David S. Goyer’s creepy horror ‘The Unborn’ was a pretty disappointing fare especially with the likes of Gary Oldman (‘The Dark Knight Rises’) and Idris Elba (‘The Wire’) attached. But the posters unique selling point has to be the intelligent inclusion of the sexy Odette Annable (previously Odette Yustman). Featuring Odette’s well worked butt cheeks peeking out from her night time underwear the rest of the poster is sadly sub par much like the entire movie.
Mystery Topless Hottie Spices up Quad for ‘Piranha 3D’ (2010)
Alexandre Aja’s tongue-in-cheek remake ‘Piranah 3D’ is probably the best of the worst of the selections features on this list. And the humour-filled 3D redo is perfectly summed up and represented by this special UK quad poster. A stunned beauty drops her beer and her bra to the lake bed as hundreds of blood thirsty fishes swarm her way. A tasty treat all round.
Hell Yes! It’s Megan Fox in a School Uniform for ‘Jennifer’s Body’ (2009)
Diablo Cody followed up her Oscar-worthy script for coming of age dramedy ‘Juno’ with this incredibly disappointing horror flick. Promoting the movie was most likely a marketers dream. We have a young award winning talented scribe on board as well as a smoking hot leading lady in the form of Megan Fox (‘Transformers’). And with Fox playing a high schooler and cheerleader the sheer volume of anticipated sequences sporting her sexy outfits was set to be phenomenal. Sadly even these brief glimpses weren’t enough to distract from the mundane experience but the posters on the other hand were a thing of genius.
Headless Hottie from ‘Hostel: Part II’ (2007)
As the majority of our posters in the collection will touch upon the promise of nudity we thought it would be proactive to include at least one nudity-based offering. ‘Hostel: Part II’ is the gore-filled and oft lackluster follow up to Eli Roth’s predecessor ‘Hostel’ from back in 2005 and there’s not much to shout about. But this special topless (and headless!) version of the set of posters released along with the feature almost struggles to relate to the franchise and doesn’t seem it would be too out of place amongst the many ‘Saw’ sequel related assets. But when all is said and done there’s still some tits on it.
Thumbs up for Topless Vamp in ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ (2009)
We can’t imagine Siskel & Ebert would be giving this one two thumbs up. The absolutely bloody awful British comedy(!?)-horror ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ arrived in theatres back in 2009 and quickly dropped off the face of the Earth. James Corden and Mat Horne, stars of hit BBC sitcom ‘Gavin and Stacey’, can do nothing to rescue this shambles of a flick which you’ll be able to pick up for a couple of quid in your local Asda bargain bin. The film does feature a sweet selection of cuties doing their best with the appalling dialogue and even in the knowledge that its tongue-in-cheek style is attempting to act as a throwback to classic b-movie vampire movies of past this ain’t no Hammer classic. So step up marketing team…vamp up a hot model, get her to hook ’em out and plaster her ample chest with the logo. Sorted. You know its head in hands time when even its leading duo know how bad it is.
Buttocks out in ‘Burlesque Massacre’ (2011)
I’ve lost count how many posters ‘Burlesque Massacre’ appears to be ripping off here. It seems to be common practice to stick a hottie on a horror poster with a hidden weapon behind her back. Admittedly however the hottie isn’t always sporting a sweet buttock slicing thong. So with bloody machete in hand and her killer heels this slash-happy stripper prepares to dance, strip and die. P.S the poster is the best part.
Bloody Bikini-Clad Victim from ‘Bikini Girls on Ice’ (2009)
A blood splattered cutie with her pierced tongue firmly on show screams her little heart out on the one-sheet for Geoff Klein’s slasher horror ‘Bikini Girls on Ice’. The titular cover art probably helped push more DVD copies of the shelf than anything else. As with most of these slasher flicks it’s simply an excuse to see how many ways we can kill someone and intersperse it with banal (and often inconsequential) narrative. But even these so-called kill scenes are unimpressive. Still, we have the bikinis, iced up and ready to roll.
Creepy Crawlie Crotch Promotes ‘The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)’ (2011)
Finally, we touch on Tom Six’s sick horror sequel ‘The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)’. Even though the movie was steeped in controversy and gave the BBFC more to think about than most modern day horror releases we did appreciate the sexually provocative promo poster featured below. The special IFC screening promo features a nudie lady with a well place (or trained) centipede acting as an alternative landing strip for the delectable bint. It simply features the word ‘SICK’ below but we love the subtle sexual hint, the way it makes you double take to soak in exactly what you think you’re seeing at first glance and hell we get a creepy bug thrown in too! Although does her belly button seem a little distant from her bugified beaver?
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