At first glance, this bicep-flexing vampire flick suggests an underground remedy to today’s paranormal romance plague. And although Dead Cert boasts a refreshingly macho breed of bloodsucker, Steven Lawson’s gangster-themed effort leans more toward a Dusk Till Dawn rip-off than gritty action-horror crossover. While its blatant nods to Tarantino leave little room for originality, the whole affair reeks of an amateur production, with emotionally flat performances and equally ham-fisted action scenes.
Set in London’s drug and violence-addled underworld, Lawson’s story follows the fittingly beefy, but monosyllabic Freddy ‘Dead Cert’ Frankham (Craig Fairbrass). Having forged a thriving business with gentlemen’s club Paradise, the ex-gangster finds himself embroiled in dodgy dealings with a sinister band of Romanians led by Dante Livenko (Billy Murray). Prompted by greed, Freddy takes an ill-fated gamble with the club, embarking on a supernatural battle against his bloodthirsty rivals. Absurdly, the bet rests on a bare-knuckle fight between middleweight boxer Dennis Christian and a monstrous Romanian vampire who predictably bludgeons his opponent to death. Despite the elaborate funeral service that follows, there’s no logical trace of a murder investigation, and the storyline swiftly degenerates into unadulterated nonsense.
Now best known for his appearances on compensation ads, Billy Murray makes an unsuccessful outing as geezer vampire Dante Livenko. Despite notable performances in The Bill and EastEnders, this seasoned actor proves an unconvincing head vamp whose valiant stab at brooding intensity makes for farcical viewing. Worse still, his Eastern European minions are little more than laughable stereotypes, peddling thick, Dracula-style accents and clichéd slow-motion entrances. As such, Lawson offers little variation on classic vampire lore, save for a couple of wildly illogical theories. The first revelation is that all vampires detest dogs and, contrary to all historical records, that the guillotine was invented as a vampire extermination device.
Surprisingly, the hare-brained Dead Cert also fails to cut it in the action movie stakes, where raw carnage, grunting and guns seem to be the only prerequisites for box office success. Despite a couple of tension-filled fight scenes, the better part of the “action” is limited to drawn-out, inexpertly performed sequences. Most disappointingly of all, the vampires appear to lack any form of supernatural power and struggle excessively with their human opponents.
The finished product is wrapped up in a repetitive techno score that resurfaces at irritatingly frequent intervals. Riddled with poor scriptwriting, lacklustre acting and a migraine-inducing soundtrack, Dead Cert is every bit as lifeless as the undead fiends it spectacularly fails to reinvent.
OVERALL SUMMARY
Bearing the tagline, “You think you know vampires?” Dead Cert offers up a question that would be better directed at its misguided creators.
