Forgetting the fact that there was no need to remake a film that worked the first time, let’s jump right into the synopsis. The film concerns a bunch of lost and horny campers (Twins Elisha Cuthbert and brooding Chad Michael Murray, Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Robert Ri’chard, and a few others not even worth a damn), who stumble upon what appears to be a ghost town.
There they find a seemingly helpful fellow named Bo (Brian Van Holt, looking alarmingly like veteran character actor Bo Hopkins), and of course, a wax museum. Unlike the 1953 classic, this wax museum is itself made entirely of wax! Anyway, it’s not long before people start dying, with the audience hoping and praying that Paris Hilton will get it, and get it good.
Your fondness for this remake from the Dark Castle people requires a fondness for late 70s and early 80s slasher films, say “Friday the 13th”, and a general hatred of Paris Hilton (what does she do for a living exactly? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?). As some of you may already know, I am no “Friday” fan, and this thoroughly routine, empty stalk-and-slash flick bored me to tears for at least its first 45 minutes. I cared nothing for the characters, who despite plenty of screen time, are barely developed. I cared even less for their situation, which for the first 45 minutes consisted of practically nothing at all. Where was the house? Where was the wax? Where in the hell is the movie? It’s 45 minutes of walking, waiting, and talking on cell phones.
But then things started to change…a little. You see, gone it seems are the dreaded days of PG-13 horror, watered down efforts that give true horror fans the main things they generally watch these films for (violence and T&A). This flick may not have much of the latter (and given that I don’t find Hilton the slightest bit attractive, I wasn’t bothered), but the gore (just about the only good thing about the “Friday” series) is quite brutal and fun if you’re into that sort of thing. We get the celebrated decapitation scene (guess who gets a long shaft shoved into the wrong part of their head?), a great severed finger, a brilliantly nasty sliced foot, and my personal favourite, a knife to the head, followed by the killer stepping on the knife to push it in further. Now that’s just plain not nice!
It’s such a shame that every other aspect of this film stinks, including boring characters and performances. At least the original B-grade classic was great fun. And as for the concept of a house made entirely out of wax, answer me this; Looking at it, can you actually tell it is made of wax? Does it look visually interesting? The answer to both of those is no. Even fans of the slasher flicks of yesteryear are likely to lose patience with this one. And if you’re a fan of “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane”, you will be unimpressed to hear that this film desecrates that film’s name a couple of times in lame throwaway in-jokes.
OVERALL SUMMARY
As much as I’d like to recommend this film to anyone who has always wished the very worst for Paris Hilton, this dull and uninspired remake isn’t worth it. Fans of the “Friday the 13th” series might get some enjoyment, if they can make it past the first 45 minutes.
