A couple of decades ago, a poor bullied kid had a traumatic experience getting towel-whipped by the other boys in the junior cricket team. Now he’s grown up into a homicidal maniac who looks like a demonic fast bowler and has an array of painful-looking weapons fashioned from cricket equipment as he seeks belated revenge on his former bullies. British cop Stacey Edmonds and Aussie cops Jai Koutrae (particularly terrible) and Az Jackson work fast to reunite the remaining team members and put them in a secret location, complete with surveillance cameras, as the killer comes along to complete his ten wicket haul.
Even as a proud Aussie cricket fan (not so proud, currently) and as someone who loves a good horror film with a gimmicky premise, I couldn’t quite get into this no-budget Aussie film from writer-directors/actors Doug Turner and Stacy Edmonds. It sounds like a can’t-miss horror-comedy premise, but sadly, the filmmakers don’t get as much gory fun out of the situation as they should have. The ‘tache-sporting killer cricketer has an amusing array of tricked-up cricket equipment to gorily dispatch his victims with (balls, stumps, etc). The wide-brimmed hat and zinc cream are priceless, as the giant all-round killer (thank you, thank you) looks like a cross between Dennis Lillee and fellow Aussie fast bowler Jason Gillespie (he of one of the greatest mullets known to man), but with West Indian Joel Garner’s size. The tricked-up groin protector might be the film’s calling card, it’s hilarious and uncomfortable. Personally, I think Shane Warne could use one of those. But once you get past that and the amusing opening scene (cricket commentary on the radio playing in the background during the murder!), the entertainment value is miniscule. It’s a little like watching a test match between Bangladesh and Zimbabwe…women’s teams…with lots of rain delays…and with the Chappell brothers on commentary.
The soundtrack of little-known Aussie rock bands is way too insistent (as is the music score by Dallas Johnson), to the point where I had trouble hearing the dialogue. I did like the metal theme over the opening credits, and some of the other stuff is actually OK, but why so much of it? One reason for the insistence of so much music played over the dialogue is probably the quality of the acting. These are some godawful actors, especially those playing the cops, who simply don’t convince.
And then we get to the gratuitous (albeit knowingly, and playfully) shower scene. It’s full-frontal stuff, and the body in question (that of Miss Nude Australia Arianna Starr) is indeed a surgically-enhanced sight to behold. The problem is, it’s supposed to be lead actress (and co-director) Edmonds. About halfway through the scene I caught on to the possible deception (taking a lot longer than I should have, I admit), but it wasn’t until I read the end credits that I knew for sure, though Starr does get a mention in the opening credits too. When I realised the deception, I was angry. Here was an Aussie horror film with full-frontal female nudity…and it was a body double. I was shattered. The scene was gratuitous to begin with, so why add a level of deception to it? And no, crediting Ms. Starr at the end does not make the filmmakers honest. Still, when was the last time that you saw a full-frontal, up-close shower scene in a non-porn film? I’ll give the film a little credit for that, but deduct points for the deception. Next time, though, just cast Ms. Starr in the lead role.
OVERALL SUMMARY
By all means, Aussie filmmakers, make more cricket-oriented horror films. Just do it right, next time and get rid of the boring characters for a start. And most importantly, no body doubles, thank you!
