Two idiot truck drivers hauling toxic waste have an accident with a deer, some of the waste gets accidentally dumped into a local river and voila! Zombeavers. Cut to three young ladies (Lexi Atkins, Rachel Melvin, and Cortney Palm) on a getaway in a cabin in the woods. Although this is meant to be a girls only trip, three dopey guys (Peter Gilroy, Hutch Dano, and Jake Weary) turn up as well. The Zombeavers are nearby, rabid, and very, very hungry. Rex Linn plays a local hunter-type who tries to help out, whilst Brent Briscoe plays another local yokel.
With an awesomely stupid title like that, you know this 2014 from co-writer/director Jordan Rubin (a former TV late night talk show writer) isn’t going to deliver, and it doesn’t disappoint…in disappointing. Co-scripted by Al Kaplan and Jon Kaplan (the latter not to be confused with writer-director Jonathan Kaplan), it also never tops its very funny opening scene that leads to the toxic spill that spawns the film’s central premise. It’s hilarious stuff, even if like me, you don’t realise until you read it in the credits that one of the dopey truck drivers was singer-songwriter (and all-round ‘pants man’) John Mayer. But then the movie proper starts, and it’s certainly bad, just not the ‘fun’ kind of bad, outside of one very funny bit where a topless chick (played by the abysmally bad Cortney Palm) comes across a bear and immediately covers up. For the bear. Yep. Full credit to Ms. Palm for being a rare actress willing to show some skin, it’s just a shame she’s the only one. Otherwise, this is essentially a ‘Ghoulies’ movie with zombie beavers instead of toilet-dwelling wannabe-‘Gremlins’. If they make a sequel (please don’t!), might I suggest a heavy metal soundtrack by W.A.S.P. ? (Obscure 80s metal humour FTW!)
The six central characters are insanely nauseating to put up with, and the name actors (if you consider ‘Cliffhanger’ henchman Rex Linn and character actor Brent Briscoe to be ‘names’) aren’t in the film nearly enough to help much. Briscoe and Linn are definitely the only professional actors here, but you’re better off watching them in something else. The worst offenders by far are the aforementioned Palm and the aggravating Peter Gilroy, but all six of them are like three Juliette Lewis’ sharing the screen with three Matthew Lillards. Or ‘Cabin Fever’ where everyone’s Bart. Excruciating company, and after 10 minutes of Ms. Palm’s character you are wondering how she has managed to make two friends. I simply can’t relate to two characters who have a crying fit because the area has no mobile phone reception. I consider those things a nuisance and won’t use one unless absolutely necessary. Also, the three actresses have too little talent for two of them to remain clothed throughout an exploitation film that is called ‘Zombeavers’. Just sayin’.
The title creatures are goofy-looking enough for a few laughs (as is the hilarious scene where a Zombeaver humanoid bites off a sensitive body part), and I’m glad the FX aren’t stellar because A-grade FX would be beside the point. However, the zombeaver humanoid makeup is actually pretty decent and the opening titles animation is cute and looks like it cost five bucks or so. None of this is anywhere near enough to make the film worth watching. Oh, and thanks to whichever jerk decided to give us red end credits. Red! Thanks for nothing!
OVERALL SUMMARY
This is the kind of horror film that disappoints not because it’s bad, but because it’s not the right kind of bad. Troma it ain’t, it’s more “Sharknado” (None of those films understand that you can’t intentionally make a ‘fun’ bad movie). Good makeup and cheesy animatronics, but mostly annoying and dull. The characters are a chore to put up with and the film is simply not worth your time. That said, everyone else seems to like the film so maybe I’m the one missing out.
