BREEDERS is an uninteresting twist on the old school invasion theme. Plenty of New York’s virgin women are being accosted by mysterious strangers. Even worse, these bold confrontations quickly escalate into full blown rape. None of the sexual assault victims are killed, but there’s a downright terrifying man in a lubricated rubber suit running around randomly killing plenty of other New Yorkers (including a homeless woman… come on you heartless bastards). These women aren’t killed because, obviously – they’re carriers, bodies with the sole purpose of reproduction. One of NYPD’s… finest, Detective Andriotti (Lance Lewman) enlists the assistance of Dr. Gamble Pace (Teresa Farley), who’s been monitoring the incoming rape victims, to aide him in solving this strange puzzle.
There are plenty of minor plot details that ultimately sew the loose fabrics together, but most of those details are so goofy they’re not worth reading about. However, approaching this article with that mindset… well, maybe the article should be done about… now.
That doesn’t make for much of a read, so I’ll further elaborate.
Andriotti and Pace find themselves investigating some abandoned tunnels beneath Manhattan, the location in which they believe all this madness originated. It turns out they have indeed successfully pinpointed the proper locale, and in an awkward encounter with one of Dr. Pace’s colleagues the two are brought up to speed on this strange phenomenon. Speaking of strange phenomenon, Pace’s fellow employee suddenly bursts into convulsions, which leads to his skin abruptly melting off, revealing another one of those laughable rubber suit monsters. Mind you, this is just one example of the preposterously improbable scenes and scenarios that plague this film from the jump.
Although the film is a technical disaster, there are a few enjoyable elements that surface here and there throughout the course of the feature. First and foremost, it’s absolutely grand to see a “creature” that looks like one of the ghouls from C.H.U.D got in a fight with that phantom guy from WRAITH and stole his getup… just golden stuff there. Second, it’s hard to go wrong with a Mathilda May LIFEFORCE impression done over, and over again… who doesn’t want to see stark naked women just strolling down the street? Third, and final piece of praise I’ll extend this clunker, pertains to the comedy; I’ve got a sneaky suspicion writer/director Tim Kincaid knew he’d draw a few laughs with this block of cheese, but I don’t think he had the beginning of a clue just how funny the final product would be… and I don’t think for a split second it was fully intentional. Then again, taking into consideration some of the work he’s done since (just pull his bio, you‘ll understand what I mean immediately)… who really knows?
It’s time to shut this mother down, but first I’ll be really real for a moment; BREEDERS is a complete knock-off of C.H.U.D. (sadly, there’s no superior element to C.H.U.D., which itself was a train-wreck). There’s just no denying it – the similarities are too strong and too frequent to pass off as mere coincidence. Why in the world anyone would want to (basically) remake C.H.U.D is beyond my mental scope, but hell – they made a C.H.U.D II, so maybe I’m just really, really slow…
OVERALL SUMMARY
Everyone loves a little cheese…but that god awful rubber suit may have just crossed a barrier not meant to be flirted with.
